20 April 2009

Advice To EmenFuckos

How To Start Your Own Mag For Free:

One of our really talented photo contributors EmenFuckos recently asked for some advice on starting his own mag. I shared with him my personal philosphy on starting your own independent magazine during a time when most magazines are dealing with low ad sales and a changing format for audiences.

"So I have thought about making my own magazine in the past, but I'm not sure about how much money I would actually need to get it up and running, but I'd probably want to do a full color magazine. I would obviously need ads and other types of revenue to get the ball rollin. Since you've had experience makin your own magazines what kind of advice would you have for me? Would it be smart to wait for this shitty economy to pick up or just go for it and hope for the best?"

Here's our advice:

Upset Magazine was printed up pretty much for free by Nicky Deter with a little risk of his friend's job, he was asked "Hey, where did all that paper go?" Here's my advice to you on how to start your own magazine in these troubling economic times.

First walk into your grandpa's room and look around. Does he have a closet? Are there clothes in there--prefferably a suit? Cool, no ignore the stashed bottle of moonshine and porno mags, we are on a mission. If he has a briefcase that's great, grab that too. Next, put your mag together, lay it out, whatever I'm sure you can wikipedia this, I just get really high on glue sticks and whiteout and put it together. Steal the glue sticks and whiteout as well, this will lower your overhead. Place magazine layout into briefcase put on suit and get on train heading to busy downtown area. Get off in busy downtown area.

Look around, do you see a building with a sleepy guard at the desk? Is he swamped with messengers? Or is he just staring at fine temp leg all day? Great your golden! Start heading for the elevators, remember, your supposed to be here, if anyone stops you say, "You're late for a business meeting, with their boss!" If worse comes to worse just say you're in the wrong building; they all look alike anyway.

Get in an elevator, oh and if you can try to look at the building directory. Are there any creative-type firms? Ad Agencies? These companies always have people coming and going and really swanked out offices, and anyways they'll be too busy pushing a giant ball around the office to pay attention to what you're doing. Get off, be sure to smile at the receptionist as you blow past her. If she gives you any lip give her the same story about being late for a meeting, oh, and with a wink ask her for a pen. Great! You're in the office now, head for the copier, do you see any that are kinda out of the way? You've got some privacy now. Start printing and be prepared to know how to work a copy machine, also have every page you're going to print ready to go, hence the breifcase. Work fast, print out one page, check it. How's it look? Good? Cool, hit 150 copies on that bitch! Repeat for each page.

Once you're done, steal a stapler. Look and see if they have one of those long ones for portfolios or maybe those industrial bad boys for manuscripts. Don't worry about stapling it there, just take it with you. Now you're out, hopefully with no one none the wiser. If someone does give you a suspect eye or you start to see some security being pointed in your direction, look for the nearest fire alarm and pull that shit! Scream "Holy shit my skin is melting," and break for the stairs! Once you're a safe distance away, celebrate, you are now in the mag business! Use the money you make off of your first issue towards making a second. Don't get high on your own supply, mags don't make shit in money so if necessary you can attempt to repeat this. Good luck.

Money for nothing bitches for free,
Frank Serpico

Editor's note: This is our 666th blog post! Free chihuhuas for everyone!


Heather Schmidt said...

So funny I almost starting lizzing!

UPSET MAG said...

I'm lizzing!

Nicky Dieter said...

Temp-leg is the best leg, they are just searching for something stable. Me on the other hand, I just need a chihuhuas socks.

UPSET MAG said...

For centuries scholars and numerologists have puzzled over this prophecy, Symbolically, six is said to be the number of man in the scripture, and a triad, or three, is the number of God. When you triple six, it is the symbol of a man making himself God.-Frank Serpico

Emen Fuckos said...

Im still laughing over this, too bad i dont know anyone who has a copier i could raid!