07 April 2009

How To: Get Tweaked (and Lose It On the Interweb)

Post by Nicky Deter

I'll never drink Endorush again, today I felt like This guy:

Mornings for me generally start off with black coffee. Weekdays mean waking at 6AM, a time when flavor can't even be calculated in my foggy mind. My only motive is to get completely rocked to deal with all the sales people hounding my ass for graphics (or "magic" as they call it). Intelligentsia's Blackcat Espresso blend thrown into a french-press and steeped for 30 minutes is my signature rocket fuel.

On the occasional day when there's no time, a stop to the local grocer's is mandatory. The case stocked with race car-looking energy cans is where I can find an appropriate fix. I personally only grab the bottles that label themselves as a "dietary substance." You know shit is good when the package itself suggest you speak with a physician before drinking.

Today's choice to quote Wesley Willis, "was a Hell Ride." I grab a room temperature bottle of ENDORUSH. Who knows what that fucking name is suppose to mean? The taste was fine, and I was able to pound it without a problem. The trouble started two hours later with an intense white-trash trailerpark meth feeling. Just like smoking ICE out of lightbulbs, my eyes were spasticly twitching, mouth went dry, I jumbled my sentences, only thought of bats and spiders, and couldn't stand anyone for the life of me. Not the greatest feeling to have at the office. Anyways, as much as this is an entry of my addictive personality it's also about assholes (both me and everyone who is not me).

Paranoia and a need to clean everything set in. Distractions at this point are very dangerous, I'm libel to completely lose it in a fit of uncontrollable blind range. As if cued by Beelzebub himself this car-salesman Frank starts blowing up my inbox. I'm talking about six identical emails back to back over fifteen minutes. Perhaps I'm overreacting but WHAT THE FUCK! This happened last month too, matter of fact I recall during all of '08 I'd get these. In retrospect as I write this I know it never bothered me before. With a head full of pure adrenaline or whatever they mix in that ENDO syrup, my mind was not working proper and I began to write Frank a letter. Within three minutes of sending my thoughts to Frank, he sends another email, identical to all the prior. I lose it completely.

Thank you for choosing to contact Saturn of **** for your vehicle needs. My name is Frank ****, lead sales consultant and Internet manager at Saturn of ****. My goal is to exceed your expectations now or in the future...

Dear Internet Manager,

You have sent me the same email six times now, please knock it off. Once to twice a month I receive a barrage of emails from you, all are identical and sent within 5 minutes of each other. This email opens with thanking me for something I've never done, contacting you for anything. If you are looking to meet my expectations, you may start by hitting "send" once. However, if you are a real go-getter and would like to exceed my expectations as stated to me in the six prior emails, please organize your email addresses into categories and send material accordingly. You can do a group of addresses that have contacted you, another one that has bought a car from you. I fall into the later having purchased in 2006. In no way am I stating stop sending the emails, we all are hurting in these times and need to accomplish our jobs. Your email is nicely written and not pushy, which I applaud. However once was more than sufficient, multiple emails appeals for attention and comes off as begging. Which is an unfavorable attribute and annoying.

Thanks and enjoy the day,

MY SECOND EMAIL (drafted and sent after receiving another one the same emails)

Being proactive differs greatly from just being active, to succeed you must have a grain of intelligence. It's quite evident you lack the grain but have an over abundance of mannuer for brains. That is email number seven you have sent me, did you not read my reply to the first six you sent within the last hour? This approach displays not just you being ignorant towards email etiquette, but Saturn's ignorance to who they have reaching out and touching the community. Send me the same email again and I'll start shipping multiple packages (perhaps 7, Frank) of my vomit addressed to you. Don't think I can do it? Brother, I'm trying to bone this skinny girl at the grocery store and the thinner I get the better chance I have. Please be my motivation. This email is for the greater good of society. I'm certain that not a single person in the world wants to to deal with anymore of Frank ****'s brand of bullshit.

Stick and move,

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